Oops!…I Did It Again

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. I’m gonna say it. Lena Dunham. Problematic as it is to say that today, she is why I’m here today. It has been less than a week since I purchased “Not That Kind of Girl“, I’ve read it and I’ve re-read it and the only thing I can say is, she has molded my callow impressionable brain. Though her content was heavy, she’d made it such a light-before-bed kind of read! And I was reminded of a time when I was a 13 year old trying to do the same. Although I was picking at the weakest links in my life and MAKING them heavy duty, I really didn’t have anything to be pissed about all the time. I see that now.

But molded Into what? I haven’t figured that out yet. But, I know this, I want to write, I have wanted to write more in the last 10 days, than I have in my entire life. Not even as much as the first time around I made a blog. My mind is constantly filled with ideas. I CAN NOT PUT THIS DOWN. I have been sleeping with a notepad these days so I don’t lose any good ideas. 

So, here I am, yet again, three years since my first blog post, and a year since my last. 

The first time around I did this, it was a less intense but similar situation, within which, I had seen an article in my school newspaper oh the glory days! about tips on writing a blog. I thought, why not? I researched the best websites to do so, and Google being my trusty friend, I picked Blogger. Which would in the future, pull one on me and make me lose about 2 thousand words of quality content or so I’d like to think. I wanted to name my blog, “My Not-So-Personal-Diary”. I swear, looking at this now, I’ve seen a neon pink Dork Diaries book with the exact same title. Unfortunately, since I’ve learnt there are consequences to putting everything but your pin code on the internet. So, i’m sorry but this time around there’s going to have to be some degree of divorce between us.

I learnt it from my mother, she’s been telling me recently that not everyone has to know everything about me, I should build boundaries. This is such a dilemma for me, because in recent years, when I first meet a person, the first words out my mouth are “Tell me everything about yourself and I’ll tell you about me!”. Yeah, i’m a teensy-tiny bit overbearing. But the issue was that no one ever told me it wasn’t ok to do that, it’s a recent development. Anyway, I’m working on my social skills

Back to the blog, after an hour of consideration, I went with a rendition of the title of a Sophie Kinsella Book. And I’ve used a version of it for this blog too because, you know, One Direction, don’t forget where you belong and stuff.

So, I had stuff going on, and A LOT of teenage angst, hence, I went on, making my first post “Plastics”. That August, I made 4 posts, and continued till COVID hit and everything stopped. It was radio silence, in my brain and in my writing. Still, I persisted on, for a year, I made about 5 posts, catching my readers up on my life, talking about Taylor Swift, alot, I was gravely disappointed to find out they were my least read posts, a big online harassment case that had went on that summer, random thoughts, and 20 questions. Then, my views changed and I didnt want to be associated with that 13 year old self, I deleted everything. During COVID, among the plethora of realizations I’ve had about myself, the biggest one was that I was too involved in others’ lives. Almost every blog I wrote I was criticizing something or someone. I was not appreciating things enough. And with quarantine, I think all of us just started to live inside our screens and still not as our true selves. Even when I did get to go out, I was always thinking “what is she doing” “why is he doing that” “why are they together” “ why would you post that” “that’s so cringe”. I was so NOT self involved that I forgot to do my own share of “cringe” things, maybe, probably for the best. And with the world hopefully opening up again, that is #1 on my bucket list, not to be too self involved but just enough to have proper boundaries.

Although I had stopped, I would still write about music and it’s heavy influence on me in recent years, but I never posted them. I had gotten discouraged by the low views, “if no one’s reading it, why am I writing it?” YOU WERE WRITING IT BECAUSE YOU WERE ENJOYING IT. 

So, that’s in the past, I’m here again, and I want to do this more than ever. 

I racked my brain forever and a day for the logo. I didn’t know I could make one, thanks WordPress! So, if you look at it now, it’s a daisy — my favorite flower— and an olive branch. It’s not really an olive branch, just a branch. I couldn’t find the proper illustration. The branch because this blog in a way, is me reaching out to my past self. And being gentle and loving to her. Afterall, I am who I am today because of her. An ode to my younger self, if you will. A lot of what I wrote in my first run were drags about her, but there’s no reason to be mean to her, she was learning, she was figuring it out as she was going she still is. So, I’ve promised myself, no bagging on my old self. Here’s to hopefully being able to come up with original jokes!

Now, like the obsessive planner I am, I obviously have a proper flow chart for how this is going to go. I’m not at that stage in my life YET where I tell people “planning never works” “go with the flow blah blah blah”. Planning, organizing and mapping things works. At Least for me. I exist solely because I get to write in my planner every morning and check things off constantly during the day.  

The plan is to have this be a bi-monthly blog, every two weeks I’ll post, that is my commitment. This is a way for me to get to know myself and the events around me, but in conversation with myself. Unless I can find someone to feature on here which would quite literally be the best case scenario, I’m gonna try! Also the alternate purpose for this Blog is for me to have a way to work for myself. I’ve been looking day and night for an internship, but it’s turned out to be a dead end and a vicious cycle. I’m trying to build my resume through internships but, to get said internships I should have a well built resume? What’s one to do now? Hire herself she said!

We’re studying debates in my English recently, and our teacher gave us an in-class assignment to write about the pros and cons of an issue. She said “Use the internet for now, because you guys don’t read enough to write on your own.” It’s safe to say that something about that struck a nerve, and I’m not one who tries to prove people wrong. Just building a bridge and getting over it for 16 years and loving it.

And I know, I know things, but only because of the 280 characters I read on Twitter, I can’t have a debate about it, she was right, I needed more information. 

Hence, I’ve decided, in the two posts I’m going to make per month, one will be a topic of my choice, the other will be current events, or as I like to call them things-I-know-nothing-about. YET. 

So, subscribe to the blog to get post notifications and tune in on the 18th to get to know more about Black History Month. Until next time!

PSA:  Usually with Blogger I was able to change the font at different places so you could see my inside dialogue in a clearer manner, i’m having trouble doing that here, but I hope that the light brown was clear. I’m still trying to learn how to use this website, it’s not very run of the mill. So please bear with me!